New year, new boundaries?
Three things to remember
Happy September!
I think there is something in all of us that feels like September is the real new year: we’re all school children at heart. Lots of people say that this time of year feels like the best time for fresh starts - certainly much more so than gloomy January.*
If you’ve bought yourself a new notebook and some nice pens, you might also be taking some time to think about how you want to work between now and next summer.
I’m not a fan of resolutions generally (I tend to think that small habit changes, building over time, are more succesful) but I know that boundaries are something that I speak to a lot of people about a lot of the time.
So, I thought now might be a good time to share three key things to remember about boundaries.
What are boundaries? They are the limits, rules or guidelines we set for ourselves in our world. They determine what we are willing to do, not do and accept from others.
They are entirely personal - everyone will have different boudaries, and they will shift and change throughout your life.
Having strong boundaries doesn’t make you a better person. But having a sense of what is ok and not ok for you can help you manage your own work/life balance, maintain helathy relationships and look after your wellbeing. So it’s worth spending some time thinking about.
Here are three things you need to remember about boundaries:
1: You can’t enforce them if you don’t know what they are.
Most of us have a sense that we should say no more often, but we don’t do it because we get put on the spot and don’t have time to think it through.
If you keep ending up feeling resentful or taken advantage of, then you need to stop and take some time to think about what is going on. What is it that crosses your boundaries? What is it that’s feeling threatened? What matters to you and why?
Knowing what is ok and what is not ok for us means that we have that information to hand to help us make decisions. For example “I’m happy to work late when there is a big project on, but I can’t take on so many projects that I’m working late every day.”
2: People won’t know you have them unless you say so.
People aren’t telepathic. Even if they were, they probably wouldn’t be reading your mind to find out what your boundaires are. Most people aren’t really thinking about you and what’s on your plate at all, they’re thinking about what’s going on for them.
If you want people to resepct your boundaries they need to know what they are, which means you need to tell them.
You can set your boundaries clearly at any time, ideally before any issue arises. You can tell people that you need to finish on time because you need to pick the kids up. You can tell people that you prefer to keep Wednesday mornings clear of meetings to catch up with admin. You can tell people that you don’t answer emails over the weekend.
You’ll probably still get asked to do things, but at least you’ve made it clear that it is a significant ask.
3: It’s ok to flex.
Having boundaries is important. But so is working with others and being part of a team.
Sometimes it’s ok to bend your own boundaries to help someone else out. Doing so isn’t a failure. It’s an investment in that relationships, and hopefully it means they’ll be willing to do the same for you should you ever need it.
The important thing is that it is your choice.
If you have any other hints or tips on boundaries, do feel free to share in the comments.
*All of that said, I am still hoping Autumn isn’t entirely here yet and there might be a few more sunny days between now and Halloween….
25% off my online leadership course
Just a reminder that my online course Lead and Develop Your Team is available with 25% off until the end of September.
Broken into bitesize topics that you can complete at your own pace, it covers:
Motivation
Feedback
Supporting people who are struggling
Team dynamics
Boundaries
Use the code TEAM25 to get £15 off.