Villain or hero?
In defence of Wily E. Coyote
Let’s talk about villains.
In the best stories, we understand the villain’s motivations and, to some extent, can understand and sympathise with them.
Mr Collins offering his cousin what he sees as an advantageous marriage. The murderer in the Mousetrap avenging his brother. Magneto and his quest for mutant rights in the face of oppression. Wily E. Coyote just trying to catch his dinner.
The most interesting villains think they are the heroes.
What about the villains in our own lives?
You know that really annoying person you work with? The one who makes your blood boil whenever you have to deal with them? The one that you complain about to whoever you live with?
Let’s face it, we’ve all worked with people who are just a pain.
But what if they’re not trying to be a pain? What if they’re not trying to annoy you? What if, in their own story, they’re the hero - just doing the best they can?
I’ve studied a bit of NLP (neuro-linguistice programming) in the past. (Don’t worry, not in a Derren Brown kind of way. I couldn’t persuade you to give me money.) There is a central tenant of NLP which states that behind every behaviour is a positive intention.
The driver that cuts you up might be in a rush to pick his child up.
The pushy salesperson might be worried about not making enough commission to pay her rent.
The colleague that makes every project difficult might be trying to protect their team from extra work.
There is also the principle that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources available to them.
Maybe your friend really doesn’t have time to meet up this month?
Maybe your colleague really doesn’t have capacity to support you?
Maybe that underperforming member of the team doesn’t have the knowledge they need?
How could this approach benefit our leadership, influence and negotiation?
Well, first of all it means we need to accept that it isn’t all about us. Whatever is going on, it’s unlikely that it stems from a specific desire to upset or frustrate us.
Letting go of that idea means we are in a better position to stop and try to figure out what’s really going on. (Or even to ask!)
Accepting that another person has a different point of view or intention is the first step of successful persuasion.
Recognising that someone doesn’t have what they need to succeed means we are able to offer support.
If we understand what’s really going on, we are in a better position to tackle the problem and find a solution.