How to be more George Clooney
What actually is charisma?
Hello.
I hope this email finds you well. How is your week going?
How many people have you bowled over with the force of your personality this week?
Loads? Some? None?
And how do you feel about that!?
I was coaching someone recently and we got on to the topic of “charisma.” Now, this person is a popular, successful leader. Their team like them, they’re respected in their organisation and they’ve spoken at sector events.
But they still feel like something is missing because they aren’t outgoing or extrovert or someone who dominates a room.
Where does this come from? Why do we still have such a narrow view of what it means to be charismatic?
There’s a story1 I like about a journalist who went to party in Hollywood. Feeling understandably in need of Dutch courage, he tapped a waiter on the shoulder and asked for a drink.
Except when the waiter turned around he wasn’t a waiter. He was George Clooney.
George apparently smiled, said “sure”, took a drink from a nearby tray and handed it over.
I’d say George Clooney is pretty charismatic. And this anecdote is a great example of real charisma in action.
Think about the people you’ve met who you felt had charisma. Were they loud, obnoxious types who shouted over other people?
I’m pretty sure they weren’t.
I’d bet that they were the people who were comfortable enough in themselves that they didn’t have to prove anything - and that made you comfortable.
They were probably also the people who everyone wanted to talk to - because talking to them was an enjoyable experience.
Research has shown that when we look at what people interpet as charisma it's not about how a person behaves, it’s about how they make other people feel.
If you ever watch a member of the Royal Family do a walkabout, you’ll see that they focus entirely on the person they’re speaking to. They make eye contact and asking questions to show how interested they are. They’re trained to do this because they know it’s their attention that matters, not their opinion.
When the same researchers have broken down what makes one person perceive another as charismatic, it is a potent combination of power and warmth.
'Charismatic' people are very good at giving people their attention when they could choose not to. They listen, and they connect.
They are busy and important, but they make time to make us feel important.
We think they're special because they make us feel special.
The good news is: this means anyone can be charismatic.
The not-so-good news is that you need to make an effort.
No one ever made another person feel important by looking at their phone or checking their emails on their laptop while they were speaking.
It's easy to be distracted by other things we need to do, or by other people in the room.
Sometimes it's the voice in our own heads that distracts us. We're too busy worrying about what we'll say next, or how we're coming across, that we miss the most important thing: to engage.
To have presence, you need to be present.
To be charismatic, you need to connect.
This is from How to Own the Room by Viv Groksop, which is a great book.